The FriendZone

FriendZone:(Fïr- ênd- zöne) def. as, noun- the permanent residence of Mr. Right
,adv- the period of time a women puts a good man through,A state of being where a male inadvertently becomes a 'platonic friend' of an attractive female who he was trying to intitate a romantic relationship.
Synonyms- Best guy friend, like a brother, guy you want a boyfriend like
Antonyms- Guy probably shouldn't date but will

Ex: Girl:
"I love you (Insert the poor bastard's name here,) but I dont want to ruin a great friendship by dating you."

Also see: Guy Friend, Guy Best-Friend & "Back-Up Plan"


Still don't know if your in the friend zone heres some tips to let you know how:


#1- She introduces you are "This is my friend (insert poor souls name)". Yes she has manners but she's also making it known to people you don't know as well as herself that you are clearly hanging out with her not on a date.

#2- She tells you how hot someone is. It might be while watching a movie it might be very suttle while looking at a stranger walking down the street but when this happens you've just become the gay-straight bff.

#3- She wants to do lunch. This is the death zone lunch should only be eaten if the whole day is spent together and even then prolong getting it till at least 4pm. Women are sneaky though they'll get you to pay for a big lunch so they're full for the date that night.

#4 She calls you late at night- I know in are heads we're thinking she was thinking about us. No this is a lie she just wants to talk about her problems but there is hope. A way to test this is to see is she calls a 2nd time that or see if she calls you out the next day for not picking up. Under no circumstances do you admit to getting that call. Ever....


#5 She texts you a lot- Yeah some girls say they just text a lot. Thats a lie because any girl that likes you is waiting for you to call. The worst is when she sends picture messages of her trying on outfits. Personally I think women who do that have no souls if they're not giving you the butt cheeks.


#6 She gets really drunk around you- Drunken hooking up doesn't mean anything cause she denies it happen. Basically she knows that's as far at it'll go and she's ok with using you to practice her tongue skills. Sad but those the only tongue skills you'll ever get to see from her.

More to come...

YO, What Did She Just Say To Me???

It has been awhile but after the experience I had I knew I had to get back on. My friend Carlos and I decide to hang out one day going to one a longtime favorite hangouts. Myself played the role as Wingman to him going there to see a girl he recently met a day earlier. The great part about this place is it brings the best parts of the Arab culture right to a little town call Edison NJ. I'm talking about a Hookah Bar one that has brought many memories over the year to us. After awhile of relaxing we look over as the music changes to seven men gyrating to the ethic music. Now I am an open minded person who appreciates other cultures being I myself am from a different one. I was OK with each one dancing full out to their own each individual drum. I wasn't OK with them dancing within 3in of each other or the scarves throwing around each other. Men should never "SHAKE WAT YO MAMMA GIVE YOU" that close to another man. At least not near me so I got the the twitch; a movement involuntarily muscle spasms that tell DG he needs to see women.

HERES WHERE IT GET WEIRD>>>

Carlos and I decide to hit up a bar which upon entering notice there was a lot of talent. Some older talent but talent none the less so we ventured in. Reaching the end of the bar we get are drinks as this girl we'll call "Snookie"(she was short fat and soooo Jersey Shored) sits next to us. We decide to motion to outside as she grabs us and asks us "Did you just put something in my drink?" Jokingly we answer yes and try and walk away. But sorry fans we didn't even take one foot off the ground before she's bragging to her girlfriends next to her about how we said yes. (HERE'S WHERE THE TROUBLE STARTS)I precede to say "No, we were just kidding around" as I'm cut off by a blond coming from under what seemed to be her boyfriends grasp to point in my face and say "yeah right we know not to trust YOUR people" I know I should have summon a hundred years of women's suffrage oppressors strength to kill this women, but I didn't. I played it cool saying how did you know I was from the islands. As Snookie tries to convince me she too is an islander Blondie walks up to me and says "so how does it feel to be one of the one four black people in here?" I can feel my self wondering how drunk is she when she responds for me counting each one the fourth being her. Now there's a bland look on my face as I ask "YOU'RE BLACK?" Turns out she was part Kenyan (YEAH OK). So I decide I fool with her and ask "so you must really hate black people, oh wait that's South Africa right Johannesburg?" She rebuttals saying, "No I don't hate black people I LOOOVEE(eyes wide) black people, there is nothing I love more in this world than having a big black d*** slapping me around in the face." I was speechless "....................."






P.S.
This was a Sunday

Black to the Future

So the Obama craze started it Reggie Bush capitalized on it and Terry Cruz made a show on it. Yes being black is once again the new black. While watching tv the other day in my half sleep I woke to a gum commercial starting out with this black dude with a fro making out with some Italian girl. Now many of you are saying well its 2010 there interracials couples out there. Yes but the last big one ended with Heidi Klum marrying Seal. (FRANCE I MEAN SEAL?? HAVE YOU SEEN HIS FACE!!!!) Yet I digress, men such as Usher and Ray J have been doing their party to break away all those Paully D chasers back to dark meat. Its been awhile look at it Michael Jackson RIP killed us with the allegations of child molesting. The R Kelly gave us another blow with his sex tape. Flava Flav completely embarrassing us then Chris Brown making others afraid of us. Then come Robin Thick with his smooth talking word and Timberlake changing up his swagger to make JT. One Tree Hill stars are popping up as love intrests in Alicia Keys videos and Rihanna is grinding on Moron 5. No I'm not a hater for Beyonce hooking up with her Irish police partner I'm just saying it'd be nice to flip the script. No their not sell out brothers anymore its now called good game. Those light skinned brothers we just joined the race again. So let me say thank you Ray J for making a sex tape on it. Thank you Kobe for never letting us forget. Yes and thank you to Tiger for exploiting it. Can't forget about Lamar Odom for marrying into it and Nick Cannom for finally pulling it. Last of course Ne-Yo thank you for making it so much easier once again. Congadulations Black is again the new Black.

To My Fans

Don't just wait till you see me on the street or run into me through a friend. Leave comments, voice your opinions, let me know I'm not crazy. Let me know I am whatever you do don't just visit and read and take away knowledge because even a library charges you for having a card.

Dear.......

Dear Guy With His Shirt Off on the Dance Floor,



I wish I wasn’t the one to have to tell you; I don’t even want to kill your spirits right now. I know your really feeling yourself and having the time of your life. I wish it didn’t have to be this way but I guess here we go. Please we’re all begging you, put your blouse back on. Not your shirt your blouse because you came in with only two buttons holding together your full button down like the masking tape lock on carni bumper cars ride. Please put you shirt back on it was cool the first time for wow factor for the ladies but now you’re walking around like you’re at your house. I get it maybe you used to be a fat kid and you found out about slimfast. Could have been you were just a skinny kid who started to bulk up a bit to get out of the ages 8-12 section. But please not here not now yeah we see your “The Situation” style haircut even though your not Italian. We get it your feeling yourself but in no way am I required to be cool with you backing into me getting a back of hand full of your back sweat. For Gods sakes man at least put your wife beater on. And don’t just twirl it around just like a helicopta that song is so outdated. Really I’m not trying to discourage you from doing your thing cause everyones entitled to do so. But dude your dancing by yourself.



Your Welcome,
DG

Attraction

Attraction what's is it? I've spent a good deal of my time trying to figure it out. In the end once I think I got it there it goes changing again. We spend most are lives trying to change our selves into what we think is what other sex wants. But most the time we meet someone when were looking are worse. You know those bummy days that we didn't feel like doing laundry there’s always that hot person we end up meeting and is surprised they're even talking to us. (Well maybe to you never happens to me I always have clean underwear) We hear about pheromones, the art of woo, a power suit, and of course that little black dress; these are all tricks to help us attract. But what are the basic levels of attraction because whatever you think it is something comes along and throws you for a loop. Why are certain people together and what makes us attracted to who we are? Well here are some examples of some of type of people I've come across that I just can't put my finger on: The Super Hot Girl with the Ugly Boyfriend- yeah I know what is that? Is that forest Nome? No that's her man well he must be funny. What he's not?!!? He gotta be loaded, Huh he’s broke?? I've lost faith in Mankind Good looking guy with FUGLY girl- He's fit, she's not, he's down to earth, she's a pain. They say opposites attract but they ain't say they have to be blind and deaf. You could look for the nice personality in her but you have better luck with Stevey Wonder giving you a haircut. Worst part is she acts even worse just because shes got a man. White guys that only Date Asian girls- you are no way nor will you ever in your best day be Goku. Stop drawing pictures of really obscenely muscular men in your notebook. Especially since you’re obviously not setting a goal for yourself. The chameleon girl- Seems that this girl doesn't even have a personality of her own. She's attracted to a different kind of guy all the time. Personally I feel she's just desperate to be in a relationship so much she'll take anyone. I mean "ANYONE", this girl is one week gansta next week rock. One month hipster one month Holister. She keeps changing to find and keep a man. The Cheaters- She cheats on him then he cheats on her or was it he cheated on her then she cheated on him. No I got it was they were on a break because they did cheat. Well I do know which came first the Chicken not the egg I just don't know why they're still together or even keep going back to one another. The "I only date ......... Guys" Girl- Your not even a real person, you have no soul. Really why do you limit yourself if it didn't work out with the last 5 guys that's should tell you something. No you’re stubborn as you turn down many potential suitors that your friends constantly berate you about. Go kick rocks Think I'm lying go to a local mall sit on a bench and just watch for an hour. You'll questions the motives of people to. |

Dumb Dumb Dumb

Facebook, it brings us together tears others apart but mistaken identity I thought we were far past that. The other day I received a message from someone I didn’t know but I decided to read it rater that deleting. Well turns out it was from this guy looking for someone with the same name as me. Of course he starts the message “hey is this you?” Obviously he didn’t have this person’s last name but he got the WRONG BLACK GUY ENTIRELY!!! I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but he was looking for someone he worked with in CALIFORNA!! I’m clearly a Jersey resident but I tried once more to give him the benefit of the doubt (I know so generous) so I looked up how many people have the same name as me. This is when I came to two startling answers: #1 I am by far the best dressed out of all of them and #2 I look NOTHING LIKE ANY OF THEM!!! I sadly came to the conclusion this guy probably saw the most presentable person in his search and said of course that’s got to be him. Now I know easy mistake but he’s 35+ yrs old you can’t be making mistakes like that especially if you’re Lead Technical Support Analyst for a large communication company. No wonder IT departments are so retarded, personally I always joked around saying the guys that work there must be monkeys sitting around fling poop at each other. But never did I image the lead manger would mistake the wrong black guy. Further more he was checking on if this guy was able to get the Facebook app to work on his phone. How dumb do you have to be not to be able to figure that out? Even more why are you working in the IT dept. and you had to ask your manager for help installing an app on you phone? Further more why couldn’t this problem be solved in a normal workday between the collective minds working there?So Christopher McLaughlin of Aliso Viejo, CA 92656 this ones for you: 

 1. Get more black friends- Hey I get it I’ve been to Ohio there are no black people, well except for Samolians. But you really don’t want to make mistakes like this or else people might start to think you think all black people look alike.

2. Watch BET for at least an hour- Once you get past all the bad music videos you actually learn a thing or two about what different black people look like.

3. Learn peoples last names- It’s the nicest thing you can do for someone other than learn there first name that way you wont be messaging the wrong people on Facebook.

4. Learn Facebook- If my grandmother can figure it out so can you (My grannies awesome)

5. Realize when your being annoying- Obviously your co-workers don’t want to be your Facebook friend let alone let you have their phone number.

6. Learn proper Facebook educate- No guy is ever allow to message another guy their not friends with. When talking to a potential friend in public ask if they have Facebook and tell them to “add” you. After that it’s ok to ask for their number to set up a possible “Man Date”.

7. Think about a career change- Seems to me IT isn’t your thing especially since you couldn’t figure out a cell phone and you used to work for Verizon.

8. Think before hitting send- Really do because this whole thing was just really really dumb.

Where are all the Beautiful People?

This weekend I went on a get away to Ohio to visit my sister. Once again I found myself in a situation plagued with questions as I saw the people in the airport. Wonderfully immaculate gorgeous people; and that’s when I thought. Every time I go on a vacation the airport seem to be the best part; why? Because of all the hot sexy women you see there. It’s like a buffet of women no wonder there’s such a long line to become a TSA agent. You’re surrounded by women all day and can do strip searches on whomever you want. (Random selection, HA!) Sadly soon as I walked onto my plane it was like the hills have eyes. And you never get stuck sitting next to the only decent looking girl on the plane nnnoooo noooo noooo, that be tooooo much to ask for. You get stuck sitting next to the weird fat guy that drinks tomato juice. TOMATO JUICE!!!
That’s just how it is you never find that bar where all the girls are sexy or that party where you’re sure to hook up with a hottie. You can’t seem to locate that girl’s night out group where all of them are banging and none of them are “taken”. (Its all lies no matter what they say) So where are they? Why is it we all have one friend who seems to always find them but we hang out with them and it doesn’t happen? Well I’ve found them; I did the research, ran the tests and verified my hypotheses. It’s all come to a conclusion and I know where they are.

1. Gas Station- Only in the summer time though its gotta be mid-day. Sexy women don’t have 9-5 jobs* Side note: 5-9 is used for preparation for night time fun
2. White Castle- Idk what it is but there is always something good to look at on the line at 1am, you know I don’t mean the menu
3. The shore (Off season)- Huh right? WRONG, everyone goes down to the shore during the summer but good-looking people are deep. They like the cool soft serenity of the ocean on a quite nightly stroll.
4. Group therapy- The hot ones are also the crazy ones
5. The Airport- Are you reading skill good? If this sounds new then not really.
6. That seat two rows ahead of you left side- Doesn’t matter where you go there’s always seems to be that person in the corner of your eye. They distract you from whatever you suppose to be doing or paying attention to. (Happen to me the plane ride home)
7. The last day of vacation- That’s when you always meet someone isn’t it? (That’s why I pretend like it’s the last day every day I’m there)
8. A friend’s family reunion- They never tell you how hot there cousins are, why? They secretly don’t want to be related to you.
9. An Ugly Girls Party- 9-10 times she’s the ugly one and your already their friend so no clockblock(YEAH!!)
10. Anywhere Your Publicly Drunk- Lets face it everyones sexy with a little juice in ya

P.S. If you cant find good looking people least you can look for WALDO!!! HAPPY HUNTING :)